Mega WVGCAATAL: Raziel vs The Sarafan Inquisitors
by Tomlette
Summary: Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Ad-Lib" Strkes Back with brand-spanking new idiocy! The ending of "Soul Reaver 2" was something very hard for Raziel, made harder by idiot Sarafan, ill-tempered Guardians, and Razielia the Drag Reaver! COMPLETED
1. What is a Wraith to Do?

**Mega Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed To Ad-lib:  
****Raziel Versus the Sarafan Inquisitors**

**Chapter One:  
****Blood Reaver, Soul Reaver, Drag Reaver  
****What Is A Wraith To Do?**

It had all come down to this. Janos Audron was dead, his heart ripped from his body. The Reaver had been stolen and now rested in the hands of the Sarafan. And above all else, worse than any other thing, was that he, Raziel as he former Sarafan self, had committed these crimes. Was witnessing all this misery worth knowing his true destiny? He thought so. For now, Janos, who had so patiently waited for him through God knew how many centuries, was able to complete his task before his life was robbed from him...And now, knowing what he did, Raziel knew he alone had the ability to set the wrongs committed by his former self against the Ancient vampire right.

These were the thoughts coursing their way through Raziel's mind as he made his way through the Sarafan Stronghold. But more even than that was the pure, blind rage that overwhelmed him. Moebius...What a fool Raziel had been to think he had outsmarted that old devil! And the price that had been paid for his own ignorance was far greater than he ever could have ever imagined. But no matter...Soon, none of it would matter. Raziel would play the role Janos had so carefully guarded for him all those years, take back the Heart of Darkness, resurrect Janos and save Nosgoth from it's inevitable fate. As, he now knew, was his true destiny.

Raziel hardly even noticed when a Sarafan Warrior-Priest attacked him from the side with a sword. The slash stung and weakened the wraith, but the maddening anger had numbed him considerably. It was with an absent mind that Raziel summoned the wraithblade, still imbued with the element of Fire, and paying no mind to the draining effect of the blade struck down the Sarafan with a few well-aimed strokes. He came to his senses some when he realized that he couldn't take the soul of the Sarafan for himself—the blade had already helped itself to it. Raziel shook his head and banished the blade back into the Spectral realm, cursing himself for using it in the first place, then continued down the corridor. The main exit was sealed, but the side door was not. Without a second thought, he turned and entered the room, never suspecting what he would find there.

The door fell closed behind him. Raziel took a few steps forward before noticing what was laid out on the basin in the middle of the small room—and why would've he? His state of mind was so scattered, the only thing that made him notice the Reaver at all was the same feelings of dread and overwhelming compulsion that he had felt in Janos' Retreat. And now, here it was, laid out in his path so conveniently, as if he were meant to find it. Somehow, he thought that was precisely the case.

Raziel carefully approached the blade, both horrified and fascinated by it. It took a great effort of will power not to reach forward and seize the Reaver then and there. But, then again, why shouldn't he? It was forged for him, after all...Janos himself had said so...And if Moebius was fool enough to actually let him have it...Well, wasn't that his folly?

There was a sudden, loud, and surprising sneeze from behind Raziel, and it startled him so much that he lost control of his will and reached up to seize the Reaver before spinning around and looking at his would-be assailants.

There, in the door he had entered from, stood Moebius and the Sarafan Lord himself, Malek. Malek was in full armor, and was leaning on a pike as he covered his faceplate with am armor-gloved hand. Moebius was staring at Malek with an expression of disbelief. Raziel blinked as he felt the wraithblade begin to wrap itself around its twin, as before in William's Chapel.

"Thank you, Malek," Moebius said calmly, "You completely, 100 managed to ruin my entrance."

Malek removed his hand. "I'm sorry, Lord Moebius, but I've had these terrible allergies for the past couple of days now..." he said as he reached underneath his faceplate, presumably to wipe his nose.

Moebius sighed and shook his head. "I have it on good authority that your allergies will leave you be in a day or two," he said, "Now please, just shut up and do your job."

"You betcha," Malek nodded to Moebius and Raziel thought he could see the faint outline of a goofy-looking grin underneath his helm. He then turned and pointed his pike at Raziel.

Moebius sighed, shook his head again, and then looked at Raziel. His composure, Raziel noticed, had changed drastically. He now resembled what the Reaver of Souls now truly knew him to be: a vile, cruel, and vicious time-streamer who played out history to suit his own needs.

"So, Raziel," Moebius said dramatically, "Here we are, finally. You have no choice but to—"

"Excuse me, Moebius?" Raziel interrupted, "Yeah, but, um, your boy there has kind of completely messed up the scene by making me grab the Reaver too soon, and now we have a real problem."

Moebius blinked. "We do?" he asked, "As in, we have to start over?"

"No, Moebidiot, I can't put it down," Raziel grumbled, "The stupid programming won't let me yet...And unless you want the ending to come prematurely, you better disable my wraithblade, else I'm going to be Raz-Ka-Bob."

"Oh, uh, right..." Moebius mumbled. The large purple orb of his staff flared with a bright light momentarily, disabling Raziel's wraithblade. Then Moebius reached up and scratched his head. "Hey, um...since it's all messed up anyway, should we try to salvage the scene?"

Raziel shrugged. "Might as well," he said, "I mean, we can't—what the hell is he doing now?!"

"What do you..." But Moebius didn't need to finish. He followed Raziel's gaze and found himself looking at Malek, who was using the blunt end of his pike to scratch himself underneath his armor. "Malek, what in God's name are you doing?!"

"I'm sorry, Lord Moebius," Malek said, sounding apologetic but not bothering to stop scratching, "It's just that I have such itchy, flaky skin..."

"Your water is hard," Raziel said, "Start washing with Zest soap. It'll help."

"Ah, I hadn't tried that," Malek said, "Thank you, I'll do that." He suddenly stopped scratching when he heard his name being yelled from somewhere else in the stronghold.

"Malek!" the voices cried, full of pain and terror, "Malek! Aaaahhhh!!!"

Then there was laughing. "Call your dogs!" Vorador's voice cried, "They can feast on your corpses!"

Malek turned to flee towards the voices, but Moebius snarled at him.

"Oh, no you don't, you useless twit!" the Time Guardian exclaimed.

"But Lord Moebius!" Malek pleads, "There is trouble within! The Circle is under attack!"

"I don't give a rat's ass if your whole damn stronghold is on fire!" Moebius roared, "You're keeping your little armored self right here until I say otherwise!"

Malek listened, and then blinked as he considered. Suddenly, his eyes widened. "The Stronghold is on fire?!" he exclaimed.

Raziel snickered. "Not to bright, that one," he mused.

Moebius groaned. "No," he admitted, "But as Conflict Guardian, he's not here to think, he's here to fight. And he's good at what he does." Moebius then turned back to Malek. "No, the stronghold is not on fire, but you're not going anywhere until I say so. Remember who signs the Sarafan's funding checks, buddy."

Malek gulped a bit, then pointed his pike back at Raziel. Apparently, he got the picture. Satisfied, Moebius turned back to Raziel. "Now, shall we continue?"

Raziel sorely wished he still had the muscles necessary to smirk. "If you like," he said, sounding chipper, "But I was greatly enjoying watching you yell at Malek."

Moebius narrowed his eyes, and then picked up his lines again. "Malek, do not let this creature leave," he said, again sounding important and knowledgeable, "He poses a danger to the Circle." He straighten himself somewhat, then smirked and went on. "Poor, deluded Raziel...did you somehow imagine you had the guile to change history on _me_? _I'm_ the time-streamer. I knew your every intention before you did, you—"

Moebius was interrupted by a loud, high-pitched girlish voice screaming, followed by a strange looking figure falling on the floor between the Guardians and Raziel, making all three jump. Raziel looked down at it, and instantly cringed and walked backwards until he hit the basin, for he knew that form. It was so like his own, only with long hair, a formerly fancy sequin ball gown dressing its torso, and a piece of silk wrapped around its lower face instead of a tabard. It was none other than Razielia the Drag Reaver and, after a little fiasco at Janos Audron's Retreat, Raziel had dared to hope he had seen the last of the transsexual Drag Reaver.

Moebius and Malek, however, had never seen the creature in front of them before, and when it suddenly appeared out of thin air, they dropped their weapons (including Moebius' staff), yelped and hugged each other for comfort as they stared at Razielia with wide, frightened eyes.

Razielia got up slowly for a wraith, then grumbled and smoothed out her somewhat frazzled black hair, at least on top. "My goodness, what a ride!" she said, her voice still sounding particularly girly, "That programmer fellow, what a nice man! After that director lady had me kicked out of the game, I cornered this programmer and tried to bribe him into sending me back here...But that nice fellow, he did it out of the kindness of his heart instead."

"I'm afraid to ask," Raziel said warily, "but I can't stop myself...what did you bribe him with?"

Razielia put a clawed hand in her hip and tittered. "Well, let's just say it wasn't something very lady like," she said, "Oh, but don't think bad of me for it, Razzy!" (At this Raziel cringed.) "But I just had to do something! I couldn't have left you here all alone!"

"Yes, you could have," stated Raziel, his tone that of one stating a matter of fact.

Razielia ignored the comment and was instead staring at Moebius and Malek, still huddled in each other's arms. "Oh, isn't that sweet?" she said admiringly, "Two lovers snuggling in each other's embrace! Why, Raz, you didn't tell me your Nosgoth had homosexuals too!"

"Well, that's because I didn't know we did," Raziel said. Now he, too, seemed interested in Moebius and Malek's choice of position. He noticed that they didn't move when Razielia called them lovers. He thought perhaps they were suffering from shell shock. "But come to think of it, I'm not surprised."

"Yes, well, they aren't very fashionable," Razielia stated. She gestured to Moebius' staff with the purple orb and orange snake wrapped around it, then to Moebius himself. "I mean, orange and purple with green robes?? What was he on when he got dressed this morning? I wouldn't be caught dead in such a clash!" She snorted. Raziel decided it best not to mention she already was dead.

Still clutching the Blood Reaver in his hand, Raziel cautiously approached Moebius and Malek. "Hey, Moebius?" he said, "Say, why don't we just try to reshoot this one later?" he paused, and when Moebius didn't answer, Raziel just shrugged. "I'll take that as a yes." He considered briefly for a moment using the Reaver to kill them both here and now. After all, it wasn't like they couldn't just crank out a couple more for the future...But he talked himself out of it after realizing that Director Henning might not be so forgiving. Instead, he just turned and started for the door on the other side of the room.

"Hey, wait up, honey doll!" Razielia said. She began to walk after him. "Where are we going?"

"We?!" Raziel's eyes widened. He spun and looked at her. "We?? We aren't going anywhere, Razielia. _I_ am going to avenge my mentor and renounce my former self. _We_ aren't doing a damn thing. Last time _we_ did something,_ you_ gave Janos Audron amnesia and made him think he was a giant Smurf with wings!"

"Hey, I said I was sorry, didn't I?" Razielia exclaimed, "And besides, he looked so much like my old friend Yani...It was hard to contain myself." She shook her head. "Anyway, what was that you said? Avenging your mentor and renouncing your former self? Hmm. Sounds like fun." She started for the door, and then called over her shoulder. "Well, are you coming?"

"Yes! But...wait, no! I said no _we_! No _we_!" Raziel ran after her, and knew from the fact that a great deal of frustration had been added to his torrent of emotions that this would prove to be a much, much longer endeavor than he originally expected.

_Author's Notes: You got it, boy and girls! Someone should probably beat me for this, but if your reading this A/N then I'd like to congratulate you on finishing the first chapter of "Mega Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Ad-Lib: Raziel Versus the Sarafan Inquisitors". This parody is semi/sorta a sequel to my first LOK piece of fan fiction, "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Ad-Lib" which can be found on my profile page. Luckily for you, though, it shouldn't be necessary to read the original WVGCAATAL to understand this piece of idiocy (but I'd sing your praises forever if you did anyway. :-D) This story will be much shorter than the original, but I will do my best to pack it full of the same sort of nonsense that made WVGCAATAL so popular. So stick around for the next chapter, coming soon! (With luck) And, you know, getting a review is always encouraging for a writer. :-D_


	2. Pants Make the Man

_Author's Notes: Awww...You guys are the greatest! Giving me such good reviews and all...sniff That's...that's just so sweet...I just need to reply to each one of you!_

_Varyssa: Why, thank you! And thank you for your review of the first WVGCAATAL, too. :-) Hope you enjoy this one, too._

_Smoke: Fear not, Malek has one more appearance in store. If you'll recall, Moebius isn't exactly a genius himself. :-P Speaking of Mister "I'm The Time Streamer, so fear me", I never outright said he was homosexual...Razielia did, and her view of the world is a bit skwed sometimes. :-p But, I also didn't say he wasn't. You know, I never actually considered that conversation before...Can you believe that? But now that you mention it...hee hee...(insert evil grin here) Yes, well, they are good actors. Usually. Sometimes. On occasion. That, and I like to prove that I can write—really. Btw, your pic helped inspire this. ;-)_

**_And on another note, everyone with an extra minute should check out Smoke's profile and see her homepage, featuring "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Ad-Lib 3" as a comic, and her own version of the Drag Reaver._**

_Darster: So that's where you went! Well, I'm glad your back reading again, and I really appreciate your reviews. I missed you! Hope you enjoy this edition just as much._

_Raven-Marss2000: You know, actually, I do have "Legacy of Koein: Drag Reaver" on tap for my next parody. In fact, I would have had the first chapter posted already, except I had forgotten about the "no scripts" rule until recently. So, I have to rewrite it. But stay tuned! Razielia will have her own story!_

_Syvia: Gracias! Yeah, Malek's not all there, and I'm not referring to the fact he'll soon be nothing but walking, talking armor. :-P Ask, and ye shall receive..._

_And now, to your delight/horror/mild disgust, I bring you..._

**Chapter 2:  
****Pants Make the Man  
****With Zephon the Future Sufferer of Egg-Farting Syndrome  
****And Melchiah the Stoned Off His Righteous Arse Hippy**

As Raziel left Moebius and Malek behind, horror filled him as he realized the Reaver had a shockingly powerful hold over him. The blade, refusing to be left behind, bared any attempt he made to fade into the Spectral Realm. When he tried to put it down, however, his hand seemed to grip it all the tighter, as though possessed by the Reaver's influence. It left him no choice. He would simply have to go on—

His concentration was shattered when the Drag Reaver beside him exclaimed, "Oh my god! Are those my sisters?!"

Raziel groaned. "You wretch!" he exclaimed, "I was getting back into character, and you completely ruined it! Way to go, Razielia!"

"Thank you," Razielia said so giddily that Raziel raised the Reaver up to strike her down then and there. It was only the thought of what a Soul Reaver infused with her/his/its soul would be like that made him stop. Instead, he grumbled and started marching down the hallway, the Drag Reaver following close behind. Up ahead, he could see the movement of the two Sarafan that he knew would be waiting.

"Actually, those are my future vampire brothers," Raziel explained, "Melchiah and Zephon...they will be the weakest of my brethren."

"Oh," Razielia said, sounding depressed, "I thought they were the mortal versions of my sisters, Melanie and Zephonia..."

"I don't even want to know," Raziel sighed as he walked, "And speaking of which, this is the end of my second game, and these next few battles are very important, so do me a favor and just...leave me alone, okay?"

"Oh," Razielia snorted and looked at Raziel as though he'd just adorned a purple stocking cap with a tangerine blazer, "Oh, I see...So, now I'm supposed to take orders from you? A guy wearing no pants?"

Raziel stopped on the threshold of the courtyard. He could see the Sarafan versions of his youngest brothers standing at the far end of it and to the right, apparently talking, but that didn't concern him. What currently concerned him was his doppelganger's remark about his lack of pants. As he slowly turned to face her, he saw she was already standing with one hip propped and her arms crossed. Her eyes were even slightly narrowed, an expression he was sure his own eyes reflected.

"For your information," he began, "I used to have a pair a very good, even somewhat stylish pants for the time period, and they were also extremely comfortable. Sadly, they burned up in the Abyss, like the rest of my clothes except for my tabard, and, of course, the majority of my body."

"Oh, like that's an excuse!" Razielia exclaimed with a shake of her head, "According to an article published in Nosgoth Today, how you dress really makes the person. Hence why I used to wear this once lovely, exquisite ball gown. I know it's in ruins now, but it was once gorgeous—it was a statement of my regal authority."

"Uh-huh," Raziel raised a brow, "and yet, you continue to wear it, even though it's in tatters?"

"Well, I haven't had the opportunity to change," she said, somewhat bashfully, "But if I did, I would in an instant! I was once sending out a message of fashion wisdom, power, good taste, and authority with this gown and the accessories with it. Your message, though...well, doll, let's just say I've seen beggars sending out a better fashion message than you are. And a pair of pants would really fix that up in a jiffy."

"I beg your pardon!" Raziel proclaimed, "I would have you know that while my choice of attire is simple, the lone tabard sends out a message of hardship, despair, mystery, and strength." He nodded, then his eyes widened. "Oh dear GOD! I can't believe I just said that!" He shut both his eyes tight and placed his arms in front of him in a cross, the one holding the Reaver forming the base. "Back, evil demon! Your wicked influence is poisoning my mind!"

"Wow," Razielia marveled at his stance, "I guess some habits really do die hard..." She looked around to see Melchiah and Zephon still talking and oblivious to them. "Here, let's ask them—they can settle this for us." She began to march towards them.

"What? No, Razielia, wait!" Raziel dropped his arms and groaned, then began to jog to catch up with her. "I swear, she never listens," he grumbled aloud.

As the two neared, Raziel realized why it was that they hadn't attacked yet—they were both so deeply enthralled with their own conversation, they didn't even notice as he and Razielia approached them. Curious, he listened in.

"I'm telling you, Melchiah," the Sarafan Zephon was saying, "If you showed up to training or—worse! —To a sermon in a tie-dye, Malek would run you through with that pike of his, and roast you over the pit of Hell itself."

Melchiah, leaning against a wall and looking particularly relaxed, shook his head. The action was slow and somewhat sluggish. When he spoke, his words were well formed, but slow, dragged out, and with a hint of good-humor to them. "Nah, man," he said, "Nah, don't you see, man? It'd be...like...a statement, man. Like a statement saying, 'I will not be confined by your rules', man. And...I won't either, man. You catch what I'm sayin', brother?"

"Yeah, I catch what you're saying," Zephon snorted, "I catch that you're smoking that wacky grass again. How'd you get away with it on duty, though? The Circle has a very strict non-smoking policy, even of regular cigarettes..."

"Yeah, man, I like, totally feel that," Melchiah agreed, and gave a lop-sided grin under his helm, "But they gotta give me an hour lunch break, man, 'cause the...the union, man, they make them give us time." He reached under his breastplate and pulled out a small square of chocolate food covered in green flecks. "Like, you want a brownie?"

Raziel tried to hold back a snort of laughter. Razielia, however, turned to her Soul Reaver double and, gesturing to Melchiah, said, "See there? Even the half-baked stoner knows that clothes make the man." Then, before Raziel could reply, she walked towards the two. "Excuse me," she said politely in her high-pitched, girlish voice, "But could you two settle a dispute for us?"

"Like, yeah, man!" Melchiah said, sounding somewhat enthusiastic. (Raziel took note that Melchiah didn't seem to have any fear of the Drag Reaver—in fact, he wondered if Melchiah even noticed she was wearing a ball gown over a tattered, blue, and stomachless body.) "You have, like, found the right place," he continued, "'Cause I am Melchiah, the...the...the...the Settler of Disputes!"

"More like the Stoned Off His Ass," grumbled Zephon. He then turned to Razielia (Raziel was amazed to note that he, too, had no issue with her appearance—maybe all unnatural blue wraiths with glowing white eyes looked the same to Sarafan.) and said, "Well, maybe, that just depends...Hey, wait a minute, aren't you the guy we're supposed to be killing?"

"Well, honey, I think that depends on your definition of 'guy'," Razielia chuckled while Raziel flinched, "But anyway, we need a second opinion." She moved aside so that they could see Raziel well, then said, "Now, be honest: does he need pants? Yes or no."

"Yes," Zephon said without a hesitation, "He's not wearing enough clothes, and pants are really the easiest thing to fix your appearance with. Besides, pants make the man, and the man people think you are help to give your life meaning. Therefore, a life without pants is a life without meaning." Zephon nodded firmly, then looked at Melchiah, "What do you say, Sir Dopesalot?"

"Like, man, I don't know, man," Melchiah stupidly shook his head from side to side, "because, like, man, with no pants, you're like...exposed, you know? But you're also, like, conforming to the system, and that's not groovy, man. So, man, I just...I don't know, man..."

"Wow," Raziel said, sounding about as enthusiastic as a small child informed that he must eat his broccoli, "your input was very useful and informative, and I'm not entirely sure how I got through a lifetime of humanity, vampirism, and whatever you'd like call my existence now without it. But I really need to just kill you and get on to the next room, so if you don't mind..." He began to raise the Reaver.

"Wait, hold on a second," Zephon held up a hand and continued to look at Melchiah, either oblivious to Raziel's threat and the Reaver, or uncaring, one of the two. Somewhat stunned by his reaction, Raziel allowed the blade to drop, obviously shocked. "What do you mean you don't know? Oh, come on, you hippy, you have an opinion about everything! And now that someone actually cares what you think, you don't know??"

"Hey, man, you need to chill," Melchiah adjusted his weight against the wall, "I just didn't have enough time to think, you know? Man, just chill, and I'll tell you what I think..." There was a pause. Melchiah looked off as if he was thinking, but somehow Raziel doubted this. But all three fell silent and gave him the time he needed to do just that. After three minutes, however, Raziel gave up and lifted the Reaver again to strike them both down, wondering silently to himself why he was actually listening to this rubbish in the first place, but was stopped by Razielia.

"Wait," she whispered, "Maybe he actually does have something important to say. Raziel sighed, and dropped the Reaver. Normally, it was a general rule of his not to take the advice of his Drag Reaver double, but under the current circumstances he thought, _Why the hell not? Not like it matters anymore at this point..._

Five minutes after that, Zephon started looking around and examining his sword. He noticed that it still had some dried blood on it from a previous raid—possibly even the one that ended with the death of Janos Audron so soon before this—and set to work using the bit of his undershirt sticking out underneath the armor to clean it. Some seven or eight minutes after that, Razielia started to hum a Village People song under her breath and tap her foot to the beat. After a line or two, Raziel was again trying to figure out why he didn't just kill them all. At last, 16 minutes after he had made his last statement, Melchiah turned to look at Zephon again.

"Man, what are we talking about?" he said.

"Oh, to hell with it!" Raziel exclaimed. His patience had been pushed to and beyond it's limit, and before anyone could talk him out of it, he lunged forward and struck Melchiah across the chest with the Reaver. Melchiah grunted and jerked backwards, hitting his protected head against the wall as his pike cluttered uselessly to the ground, as well as exposing his venerable throat. Without hesitation, Raziel took the opportunity and sliced his jugular, having had much experience at pinpointing that particular vein during his vampire years.

Razielia jumped and shrieked, obviously surprised by Raziel's sudden aggressiveness. Raziel wondered how dense a person could be, and then ignored her as he witnessed the Reaver draw Melchiah's blood to it as though it were a living vampire. He marveled as the blood hit the surface of the blade, and then seemed to disappear into it. Once Melchiah was drained, Raziel saw the essence of his soul escape the body, but was too enthralled with the vibrant humming and power now in his hand. Like a real vampire, the Reaver had a bloodlust that could never be satisfied, and feeding it, while making the blade itself stronger, also made the hunger worse.

Not that he wasn't already aware of that, of course. He'd read the script.

"Oh my God!" Zephon exclaimed, "You killed Melchiah!" The Sarafan Inquisitor drew his blade back out. "You bastard!" he proclaimed, before charging.

"'You killed Melchiah'?" Raziel asked, dumbstruck by Zephon's lack of originality, "Wow, how stupid can you---OUCH!" Raziel jumped backwards as Zephon's blade made contact with his left hip. The pain wasn't great, and only stung for the briefest of moments, but that didn't stop Raziel from being upset about it. With narrowed eyes, and before Zephon get off another attack, he plunged forward and slashed the Reaver into Zephon's midsection. The vampiric blade dove into the Sarafan as though he were hot butter, and ripped away metal, cloth, and flesh as though it were wrapping paper. Even before he hit the ground, the Reaver was taking in Zephon's lifeblood. Raziel closed his eyes and gave into the sensations the blade's drinking gave him. Scripted or unscripted, there was nothing wrong with enjoying a cheap thrill.

Once the Reaver had drained Zephon's corpse, his soul escaped the body, but Raziel didn't bother taking it in. After all, even if he hadn't read the script before hand, it didn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that the Reaver healed his wound almost instantly. He looked at the two dead bodies, then towards the sound of an opening gate. His path was now clear to the next room.

Razielia, on the other hand, looked thoroughly disgusted. "That was completely uncalled for," she proclaimed, "I mean, he was stoned for crying out loud...We should have realized he'd forgotten..."

"Oh, I don't give a demon's ass if he was stoned or not," Raziel snorted, "The fact is, I don't really care about the subject all that much anyway. And besides, I needed to kill them to get to the next room." He started off.

Razielia snorted and crossed her arms. "Well! I never," she mumbled, and then looked down at Zephon's body. Just out of curiosity, she went over and removed his helmet to see what he looked like. The sight made her gasp. "It figures!" she yelled after Raziel, "You would have killed one that was remotely cute!"

Raziel stopped, sighed, and looked back. "Would it ease your mind if I told you that the first time I killed him, he was a giant spider stuck to a wall suffering from Egg-Farting Syndrome?"

"Eeww!" Razielia dropped the helmet and eased away from the human body, "No, that'd just make me sick."

"Well, then, shut up," Raziel said curtly, then headed for the door again. Razielia jogged to catch up.

"So," she asked as they past through the door, "Whom are we killing now?"

"_We_ aren't killing anyone," Raziel said darkly, "_I_ am killing Rahab and Dumah. _You_ are staying out of my hair. I thought I explained that once already." In the great hall leading to William's Chapel, he could already make out the shapes of his former brothers as their Sarafan selves, waiting for him. He quickened his pace and raised the Reaver slightly in anticipation...

Razielia just stopped and crossed her arms again, becoming defensive as she had before. "More orders!" she exclaimed, disgusted, "You really expect me to follow orders like that? Or any orders for that manner? Especially if they're given to me by a guy with no cocoanuts!"

Suddenly, the Reaver of Souls came to a very abrupt halt, then spun and advanced on Razielia, his white eyes wide and his body shaking in fury. Razielia gave a small squeak and shrank backwards, suddenly aware that she'd gone a step too far this time...


	3. Coconut Trees, Ranting and Raving

_Author's Notes: Wow, sorry for the delay, guys! Life is hectic these days...But who cares?! So long as I can write, and have someone to enjoy reading it, I'm happy! And speaking of readers..._

_Syvia: Glad you liked Melchiah and Zephon. With luck, you'll enjoy Dumah and Rahab as well!_

_Varyssa: Do you, now?? Awesome! You know, come to think of it, I bet he DOES look good in jeans..._

_Smoke: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Zephon was. :-P And Razielia's the Drag Reaver! You know it's not REALLY bothering her, but to not act like it was would have been SO unlady-like...But fear not--coconut comment to be addressed shortly._

_Darster: Hehe...Ask and ye shall receive...but, of course, I do not claim responsibility if your IQ drops a few points from reading this silly thing._

_MortalSora: Hey, welcome back!!! Glad you liked the first and the second one! Hope you like this one just as much...Actually, Razielia would be more inclined to say "Keep your slacks close, sugar pie, but your skirts even closer—you know what I mean?" :-P_

_Cobra-kun: Ahh! A new reviewer! Wickedness!!! Yes, well, I believe we all need some mindless insanity like this in our daily lives—don't you agree? ;-)_

_And now...It slices, it dices, or at least it makes you laugh pretty darn good, it's... _

**Chapter Three:**

**Coconut Trees,   
Ranting and Raving,   
And, of course,   
Sarafan Slaying**

"_WHAT DID YOU SAY?!_" Raziel practically screamed at Razielia as he advanced on her. She continued to cower, her glowing white eyes wide in terror. She began to look around for an escape route.

"Well...I...It was said with love, sugar bunch!" she exclaimed. She stopped backing up upon seeing a way around Raziel and into the larger and more spacious hall behind him.

Raziel, however, seemed angrier than ever, and his concerns of the type of Soul Reaver her soul would create were now lost in his anger. _"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"_ he yelled as he swung the Reaver at her. The Drag Reaver was one step ahead of him, however, and managed to dive towards the route she spotted before the Reaver blade even had a chance to scratch her. She was up and running in a matter of moments. Raziel spun and followed, raising the Reaver up for another attack as he pursued her.

Waiting in the Sanctuary, armed with sword and pike, were the Sarafan incarnates of Dumah and Rahab, the future "middle" born children of Kain's brood. They stood with their weapons ready, clearly prepared for an attack of some sort.

"Have you come to reclaim the monster's black heart?" Dumah demanded as soon as he saw movement.

"You'll have to get through _us_ first!" Rahab proclaimed. They both began to advance.

"HELP ME!!!!" Razielia shrieked as she ran into that same chamber. The two Sarafan stopped and stared at her, obviously shocked. She took the opportunity to dash between them and hide behind a column behind them. "He's trying to KILL ME!!"

Dumbstruck, neither Sarafan went after her. Instead, they stared like statues as Raziel came racing past, his concerns with them temporarily forgotten, and after his transsexual double. He slammed the sword into the column, cutting through it part of the way, and inspiring Razielia to shriek. As he pulled it out again, she fled once more, this time in the general direction of William's Chapel.

"You can run, Razielia, but you can't hide!" Raziel cried out, then gave chase once more, his white eyes seeming to flame in outrage.

The two Sarafan, still shocked, only managed to look at each other. "Dumah," Rahab begin, "Did you just see...what I just saw?"

"Yeah," Dumah said with a nod, "Two freaky looking blue demons that smell like burnt, water-logged leather running past us."

"Uh-huh," Rahab agreed, "And one of them had that sword we stole..."

"Yeah, but the other one was in a dress," Dumah pointed out.

"Yeah, but we were only told one would be coming this way," Rahab said, sounding confused.

"Right," Dumah persisted, "But one of them is still wearing a dress."

"That's wrong," Rahab said with a shudder.

"On so many levels," Dumah shuddered with him.

Meanwhile, the Sanctuary Hall was receiving the beating of a lifetime as Raziel continued to try and strike down Razielia, both oblivious to the human Sarafan in the hall with them.

"Razzy, please!" Razielia pleaded as she narrowly escaped a slash at her back by diving behind a column, "You're being so unreasonable! I was only trying to point out that maybe I'm not the only transsexual around here!" She took off running down the right side of the hall, towards the big wooden doors.

"Do you WANT to die?!" Raziel roared as he ran after her. "Because you are ANYTHING but helping your situation!!!"

"But Razzy!" Razielia cried out, her voice sounding particularly whiney. It crawled all over Raziel's skin and made him want to impale her on the Reaver all the more.

"_STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!_" he bellowed. He finally caught up with her as she rounded the corner by the last column. He took a swing, and hit mostly stone (again), but this time managed to clip off a bit her tattered wing on one side. She gave a small screech, but still, that wasn't enough to satisfy Raziel's rage. Luckily for her, being his double and, hence, knowing many of his maneuvers was playing out in her favor.

As the Drag Reaver fled behind the left row of columns and back up towards the locked gate leading to William's Chapel, the Dumah and Rahab had begun to discuss how they were going to attack and defeat both specters.

"Okay," Rahab was saying, "So, we'll wait until they come up by us again, and then, while they're preoccupied with each other, we'll jump them, slay them both, and take BOTH their heads to Moebius. Surely one of them will be the right guy, right?"

"Right!" Dumah said enthusiastically.

"Okay," Rahab nodded, then took a good hold on his weapon. "Ready?"

For a long moment, Dumah did nothing, only stood there blankly. Then, suddenly, he looked at Rahab and said, bluntly, "I like dirt."

Rahab blinked, and then relaxed his grip on his weapon. "I'm a water man myself," he replied simply.

"Yeah," Dumah said, "But water doesn't have as much flavor as dirt."

Back with the Soul and Drag Reavers, Razielia had made a fatal mistake. She had taken the fact Raziel would be following her for granted. And so, one can imagine her surprise when, just as she passed the locked iron gates of the Chapel, Raziel leapt upon her and pinned her against the cold metal, having cut her off instead. She gasped, and then cowered.

"Thought you could get away from me, did you?" Raziel said smugly. Razielia whimpered. "I thought so." The Reaver of Souls chuckled darkly. His eyes still seemed to blaze, but now more with amusement than anger. "Before you die, Razielia, I'd like you to know that simply because I am no longer endowed , as you so elegantly put it, that doesn't mean I am no longer a coconut tree. Understand?"

Razielia shook her head, as if to say no. Raziel sighed.

"Surely you aren't that dumb. You were the one that stared all this metaphorical nonsense about coconuts." He watched her expression, and when it didn't change, he sighed. "Look, when a coconut tree , and the coconuts get taken away somehow—let's say by a whirlpool of white-hot fire—but the main trunk of the tree survives, it's still a coconut tree. See, the leaves, branches, and all the rest could be long gone, but it's still a coconut tree. Okay?"

"Hey, wait a minute!" Dumah exclaimed. They were close enough to hear the conversation the Reavers were having. "That guy's wearing a dress, and you have no coconuts?!"

"That's wrong," Rahab shuddered.

"On so many levels," Dumah agreed, also shuddering.

"Who asked you two clowns?" Raziel loosened his grip on Razielia slightly so he could look behind him at the Sarafan. Realizing this may be her only chance to escape, Razielia began to squirm.

"Well, no one, I guess," Rahab said frankly, "But maybe you guys can solve a problem for us. See, we were told to kill the blue guy that would come running in here..."

"But there's two of you," Dumah continued, "And we don't know which one of you we're supposed to kill."

Raziel considered the situation, then grabbed Razielia by the throat, and tossed her to the Sarafan. "This one," he said simply.

"Hey, wait, no!" Razielia hit the ground on her side, but was quickly scrambling to her feet. "That's not right! You don't kill me! Besides, it's not like you can anyway!"

"Yeah, but we were still ordered to try," Rahab said, then he began to advance on her. Dumah did the same.

"Alright! It's not everyday we get to kill a demon in drag!" Dumah said happily, "That's even better than the regular kind!"

This one statement had an astounding effect on Razielia. She went from small, cowering, fearful blue specter to proud and offended Drag Reaver in no less than 2.1 seconds and was staring daggers at Dumah. If looks could kill, Dumah would've been one dead Sarafan Warrior right then.

"Excuse me?" she said darkly, "And what, exactly, do you mean by _that_, sweet cheeks?"

"Uh, um," Dumah stopped and looked at Razielia dumbly.

"Don't answer her!" Raziel yelled, "It's a trick! Just jump her, Dumah!"

"Well, um...only that, you know, gay demons are even worse than the normal kind," Dumah said, apparently ignoring Raziel. "You know, because they're gay. It, like, makes them even more...unnatural..."

"I knew it," Raziel groaned, "'Dumah' really is 'Dumbass' misspelled..."

Now it was Razielia's turn to have her eyes blazing. "Oh...Oh, are they now?" she said hatefully, "Is that a fact?"

"Well, yeah." Now Rahab had stopped and was looking at Razielia. "I mean, everybody knows that a demon in drag is twice as bad as a regular demon is..."

"It's like a double violation of moral values," Dumah said with a nod.

"A...violation...of...moral...values?!" Razielia's eyes widened in outrage, and her entire body began to shake in anger. Suddenly, her right arm began to glow in an icy blue color, and a white and blue ghostly blade materialized around her right hand. Raziel knew what it was instantly, having a version of that very same weapon himself. It was a wraithblade—_the_ wraithblade, or at least Razielia's version of it. Never before had Raziel seen her summon her symbiotic weapon into the material realm, and it's presence here now suggested that she'd reached the level of anger where only one thing would satisfy her hatred.

Death.

The two Sarafan Inquisitors eyes widened at the blade.

"What is that thing?!" Dumah yelled.

"I don't know, man, but I'm getting out of here!" Rahab yelled back, then dropped his weapon and began to run. Dumah dropped his own and followed.

Sadly for them, the room was locked from all sides, trapping them. Razielia made an almost growling noise, and yelled in a voice that was very deep and masculine, and very unlike her usual tone, "_LIKE HELL YOU DO!_" She then lunged at them and fell upon Dumah, her wraithblade easily weakening and cutting through his armor to his soft flesh. Terrified and full of pain, Dumah began to scream.

"What the...Wait just a bloody minute!" Raziel yelled, "I'm the hero in this RPG! This is my video game! I get to kill all the annoying bit characters! Gah!" Frustrated and annoyed, Raziel took off running again. He quickly caught up with Rahab and cornered him. The Reaver made very quick work of Raziel's future water-dwelling brother, just as it had of Melchiah and Zephon. And again, as Rahab fell and died, the vampiric blade began to take in his lifeblood. Raziel tilted his head back and allowed the pleasure of the Reaver's thirst to overwhelm him...

Once the blade was done and Raziel had regained his senses, he turned to see what had become of Dumah. What he saw was a pile of bloody metal and flesh that had been nothing short of massacred, and Razielia standing aside from it as she made an attempt to clean some of the blood off her dress.

"Oh, curse this stuff," she grumbled, her voice back to being high-pitched and particularly girly, "I'll never get these stains out...Oh well, not like the dress isn't wrecked already anyway..."

Raziel approached her and Dumah's remains, shocked. "Why, Razielia," he said in amazement, "I didn't know you had it in you. You didn't take his soul, did you?"

"That homophobe?" she gestured to Dumah and snorted, "Goodness gracious no, honeybunch. That nasty old thing might have given me indigestion."

Raziel actually laughed at that, despite the honeybunch comment. "Yeah, okay," he said, then gestured to Dumah, then to the Reaver. "Do you mind...?"

"...if you let your sword feed on him? Knock yourself out, baby doll."

Raziel nodded his thanks, and then drove the Reaver into what was left of Dumah. It eagerly took in what remained of his blood. Once it was complete, the lock to the iron gates which lead to William's Chapel were removed.

"Okay!" Razielia said happily, "Off to the next contestant!" She started for the gates.

"What?!" Raziel exclaimed, shocked, "I just tried to kill you and you STILL want to follow me around like a bad stench?!"

But Razielia only giggled. "Oh, Razzy, you're such a kidder!" she said, "You really had me going on that practical joke, chasing me around with that big ol' sword of yours...You should be a bit more careful, though, you really did put a nick in one of my wings."

"But! I! Wasn't! You! GAH!" Raziel gave a loud, irritated roar, and began marching towards the gate. The idea occurred to him that he could run her through while she wasn't expecting it as he passed, but he was enough in his right mind to worry about what kind of Soul Reaver she'd make again. Fuming, he instead walked up to the gate and began to open it.

Razielia giggled again. "You're so silly, doll," she said with a chuckle, and then followed him through the gate.


	4. Razielia, Meet Vorador

_Author's Notes: Here I come to wreck the day!!! Yes, me and my bag of idiotic humor have returned once again to continue the antics of Raziel being frustrated to tears, if he could cry, that is. But first! Reviews…_

_Smoke: I think I answered most of your questions already…But I'm glad you're enjoying it that much!! I love the new pages, btw. :-) Hope you like this chapter as much as the others. You should, I think. I told you I'd see about your request… ;-)_

_Varyssa: Yes…yes, he likely would. nods Sadly, Raziel is obstinate and defiant, and so he probably never would put a pair on just to spite the known universe. Ah well…We can still fantasize._

_Cobra-kun: THANK YOU! I agree, Rahab gets too much credit…So he can swim. Yeah, that's kinda cool, but he has the world's shortest attention span, I swear! And besides, Raziel still kicked his fishy butt, so who's the better brother?! Huh?! HUH?! I thought so! :-P Outtakes. Outtakes are good. Outtakes are very good… nods_

_ShadesOfBlood: Glad you liked it!!! May this next chapter serve you well…_

_cmartist: No prob! Just glad I have people to enjoy it still. :-)_

_And now, it's the one, the only, the amazing…_

**Chapter Four:  
****Razielia, Meet Vorador  
****Vorador, Meet a Wraith in a Dress**

And so, as Raziel and his unwanted sidekick/shadow/stalker passed through the gates leading into the chamber before William's Chapel, Raziel beheld, for the first time since his execution at Kain's hands, his brother Turel. He stood with his pike facing them, his stance so proud, so noble, and so very _righteous_ even now. As a vampire, Turel had managed to avoid Raziel's wrath when he returned as a soul-devouring wraith. But as a Sarafan, Raziel knew he would not be so lucky.

"Get back to the pit you crawled from, demon!" Turel yelled at him, and thrust his pike forward in warning. If he could, Raziel would have been smirking at the thought of that pike hurting him, especially armed as he was now. He raised the Reaver, the anticipation of the battle to come exciting him and the sword, and as he stepped forward, her heard a high-pitched voice singing softly behind him…

"Raziel, Raziel! Whacha gonna do? Whacha gonna do when he comes for you?"

Raziel stopped and groaned softly. If he didn't dislike her so much, he might have considered the line almost catchy, but since he did despise Razielia so, he loathed the very sound instantly. He turned to face her.

"Razielia, will you _please_ shut up for just three seconds while I kill this guy?" he grumbled at the Drag Reaver with narrowed, and white eyes.

Razielia crossed her arms, and for a moment Raziel was sure she'd somehow managed to roll the glowing lights they both called eyes. "Yeah, sure, whatever," she said, then a bit lower, "I was just trying to set the mood…"

"Three seconds?!" Turel stood upright and stared at Raziel. "I beg your pardon! I am second in command of the Sarafan Inquisitors, and certainly no push over! It will take longer than three seconds to defeat me!"

Raziel turned back. "Will it now?" he said. Then, without warning, he adjusted his grip on the Reaver, and charged across the room with what seemed to be lightning speed. He impaled Turel in the chest, and then remained still while the Sarafan's body adjusted to what just happened to it, all before Turel even had a chance to defend himself. Turel's eyes glazed over, and then he collapsed, his pike clattering to the ground beside him.

"That's what I thought," Raziel muttered. He allowed the Reaver to drain his former brother of his lifeblood, indulging in the sensation, and then began to pull the sword out of Turel's corpse. Razielia stared, wide-eyed.

"Woah," she mumbled, "That was…Why don't you do that more often, deary?"

"Because I'm not normally this frustrated with the world in general," he grumbled. As he pulled the Reaver free, the sound of another door being unlocked filled the room. He knew his path to his last, and most difficult opponent, himself, was now clear.

"You're frustrated?!" Razielia sounded shocked. "Huh…I can't possibly imagine what with." She thought about it for a moment, and then shrugged. "Oh well…Onward we go!" She uncrossed her arms as she turned to face the door, but before she could take a single step toward it, it began to open. Shocked, both Raziel and Razielia watched as Vorador, his sword still covered in the blood of the Guardians, walked through the door. He got just far enough into the room to allow to door to close, before he saw Razielia. She saw him as well, and their eyes locked. For several seconds no one, not even Raziel, who wasn't sure what to expect, moved. Then, simultaneously, they began to scream.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Vorador yelled, his yellow eyes wide as he stared at Razielia.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Razielia shrieked, her glowing white eyes equally wide as she stared at Vorador.

"Grrrr!!!!" Raziel growled as he covered his ears.

"AAAAHHHH!!!!!"

"AAAAHHHH!!!!!"

"Grrrr!!!"

"AAAHHHHH!!!!!"

"AAAHHHHH!!!!!"

"GRRRRR!!!"

At length, and much to Raziel's relief, the screaming of the Drag Reaver and the first-made vampire slowly drizzled off, but they continued to stare each other down.

Turel groaned. Raziel jumped and looked down as what he thought was a corpse started to lift its head.

"Wha…wha…what happened…" Turel groaned.

"Shut up," Raziel spat, and then rammed the Reaver into his chest again. Turel gagged, looked down at his second fatal wound, then his fell to the floor again. Satisfied, Raziel thought, _It must be a programming glitch, _and then looked back at Vorador and his double.

They continued to stare at each other, then Vorador snarled and said, "What in the blue hell are you?!"

Razielia's wide eyes then narrowed some as she crossed her arms again. "What am I?" she snorted, "Honey, I'm not the one who looks like Yoda on steroids."

"No, you're the one who looks like him--" Vorador gestured to Raziel.

"Don't compare me to her!" Raziel cut in.

Vorador ignored him. "—in a dress." He finished.

"Doll, I wouldn't be talking about fashion if I were you," Razielia retorted, "I mean, what's this you got going on here?" She uncrossed her arms to gesture to Vorador. "Love Child of Batman and the Frog Prince?"

"Frog Prince?!" Vorador bellowed, "That's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, Miss Princess Turned Pauper!"

"Piff!" Razielia turned her head away from Vorador and held her clawed hand in front of her face, palm side facing Vorador. "Talk to the hand, 'cause the face ain't looking at your skank-ho self!"

Vorador blinked. "Skank-ho?" he mumbled. He then turned to Raziel, acknowledging his presence for the first time. "What the hell is a skank-ho?!"

Turel groaned again. "I think…it's an insult," he mumbled.

Raziel stared. "What the…I said shut up!" This time he stabbed him in the gut, and again, Turel went still.

"Raziel, do you need me to kill that Sarafan for you?" Vorador asked, "You seem to be having a little trouble…"

"I'm fine!" Raziel snapped, then looked at Vorador. "What are you doing here anyway?! This is the part of the game where I run off to confront my Sarafan self and kill him…me…whatever! You're part is done. So, why are you here?"

"Well," Vorador explained, "I just got done totally annihilating six members of the Circle of Nine and kicking Malek's armored ass from here to Coorhagen, and was told that the game management would be having a Post-Massacre party here."

"Well, you heard wrong," Raziel said crossly, "We're actually in the middle of shooting the last fight scenes of my second game 'Soul Reaver 2', not having a party. Sorry." He thought, and then added, "Wait a minute…How many times have you massacred the Circle?"

"Only once," Vorador replied, "Why?"

"Well, I was just curious," Raziel said, "Which Company is hosting the party…Silicon Knights, or Eidos Interactive? Because, technically, it should be Silicon Knights, but if it were, then I technically wouldn't be here…"

"Yeah," Vorador agreed with a nod, "it's a complicated story that would take all night to tell, trust me. Let's just suffice it to say that you're invited."

"I am?" Raziel's mood improved suddenly, "Hey, great! That'll be something…" He stopped suddenly, and then leaned on the Reaver as though it were a cane, glaring at Vorador. "Hold on a second…Director Henning told me she didn't have any way of contacting us in here! I doubt anyone else would be able to get any better a signal…How could you know about some party?!"

"They told me before I left to do the massacring," Vorador said simply.

Raziel blinked, then sat up and clutched the Reaver properly again. "Um…oh." His voice sounded particularly flat.

"Yeah, moron," Turel managed to choke out around some of his own blood, "you should have known that."

Raziel's eyes blazed. "Damn it, Turel!" he yelled. He quickly lifted the Reaver and decapitated Turel in one swift motion. "Die when I kill you!" the wraith bellowed, and then kicked the head across the room.

Vorador watched. "Yeah, I think you got him that time," he mused. "So anyway…what's with the wraith in a dress?" Vorador jutted his thumb at Razielia, who was still holing her hand out between her and the old vampire.

Razielia peered around her own hand enough to scoff and say, "It is not a mere dress! It is a blue sequin ball gown, with white, full-length gloves, a silver tiara, and high heels! Get it right, will you?!"

Vorador watched her as she again looked away and placed her hand between her and him. "Right…Um, okay, the wraith in drag then…"

Raziel turned just enough to get a good look at the Drag Reaver. "Her name's Razielia," he said, "She's a freak of nature from another reality that's been clinging to me like a bad stench. You want her? Five bucks."

"No thanks, I'm trying to quit," Vorador replied automatically, "That's all well and good, Raziel, but why does she look like you? And have a name similar to yours, for that matter…"

Razielia finally dropped her hand and looked at Vorador. "Because I AM him!" she said proudly, "Or, at least, another reality's version of him…I'm Razielia the Drag Reaver!"

Vorador looked at Razielia, then looked at Raziel. He then snickered. "Oh… you have got to be kidding me," he practically giggled. Then, when neither one replied, he burst out laughing. Raziel scoffed and crossed his arms.

"Yeah, yeah, " he mumbled, "Go ahead…laugh it up…"

Razielia stared at Vorador. "What's so funny?" she asked, confused.

"You…you are!" Vorador said between laughs. He started to get his laughing under control, but as soon as he saw Raziel he pointed at him and exclaimed, "Your alter ego's a drag queen!" before falling into a brand new fit.

Razielia gasped. "And so what?!" she exclaimed, "I bet yours isn't any better! Razzy, sweetie, does this booger with bat wings for ears have a name?"

"Sweetie?!" Vorador laughed so much harder at Razielia's endearment that he didn't even notice her insult.

Raziel was glad he had no teeth then, as if he did, he'd be grinding them to useless stubs. "Yes," he grumbled, "His name is Vorador…"

"Vorador, Vorador, Vorador…Hmmm…" Razielia thought as the old vampire continued to have hysterics. Raziel watched him as he doubled over and tried to remain standing. He was just wondering how badly it would mess things up if he decapitated Vorador and kicked his head over next to Turel's when Razielia suddenly exclaimed. "Vorador! I remember now! He changed his name to just Vora after he bought his first dress!"

Vorador stopped laughing and stared at Razielia. Apparently, the situation wasn't so funny anymore. "Um…excuse me?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah," Razielia waved a hand at Vorador, as if what she was about to say was common knowledge, "Everybody knows that Vora was the first vampire drag queen in Nosgoth…Her sire Yani Audron was just homosexual, but Vora was an all out drag queen in back in the day! The very first, actually…Set a trend for all of us homosexual vampires to follow, really." She sighed fondly.

"Do WHAT?!" Vorador cried out and even stumbled backwards a few steps, horrified.

Now it was Raziel's turn to laugh. "Not so funny now, is it, _Vora_?!" he mocked.

"Don't call me that!" he hissed at Raziel.

Raziel laughed, while the Drag Reaver continued. Clearly, she wasn't done yet. "Oh yes," she said, "Vora broke the boundaries for drag queen vampires everywhere…Without her, Koein never would have been half as successful in ruling Nosgoth with an iron hand and good fashion sense as he was, I'm sure. She mentored him, you know. Back in the days when he was just a fledging… 'Stay out of the affairs of humans,' she said, 'and never, ever, under any circumstances, wear plaid on anything except winter pajamas.'"

"NO!" Vorador yelled, visibly shaken. Raziel chuckled to himself.

"Okay, I think that's enough Razielia," he said, "he's got the point now. So, anyway, Vorador, about that party…"

Razielia, however, didn't seem to hear either one of them. "I met her once, you know," she went on to say, "She accused me of corrupting the Pillars with my horrendous attire, and then she started dancing around some subject about being the savoir of homosexual vampires or some nonsense like that, and I gave her a piece of my mind for being so cryptic—I mean, it's so tacky!"

"Make her stop!" Vorador pleaded to Raziel as he fell to his knees and clasped his hands over his ears.

Raziel's eyes widened, and he began walking towards Razielia. "Razielia!" he practically shouted, "You can stop now! You're scaring the pants off of him!" Raziel stopped and cringed. "Whoops, bad analogy."

"I don't think she's listening to you," Turel's head pointed out from where it sat against the wall.

"I told you to shut up, you programming glitch!" Raziel spat.

But again, the Drag Reaver was oblivious, and she continued. "She had several husbands, they say," she said, "And a small kingdom that she ruled from her Mansion of Love in the Notagent Forest. The Weeareman Warriors came in and killed all of them, though, and she got seriously pissed off and went postal on those tacky looking Circle members' posteriors! Except that one fellow, Manly, the Weeareman Lord…They say she seduced him and then left him in shame of all of his straight superiors with the acts she convinced him to commit…"

"AAAHHHH!" Vorador screamed, his eyes now bulging. He began to scramble to his feet, "That's IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!" He then continued to scream, and made a beeline for the stained window of Janos Audron terrorizing Uschtenheim at top speed.

"Vorador! Wait!" Raziel cried out, "You didn't tell me where the party _really_ is at! WAIT!"

But wait was not in Vorador's vocabulary at that time, and before you can say "Dumah likes dirt", he had smashed through the window, screaming.

Raziel stared, shocked and horrified. He felt like his spirit had just been broken in two. Meanwhile, Razielia continued to rant.

"And of course, there are always the accomplishments Koein himself made for homosexual vampires," she was saying, "What with creating me and my sisters to help him conquer the world and bring it under the rule of homosexual vampire drag queens. But that will never take away from Vora's accomplishments, and without her, we never would have amounted to anything." She finally stopped, and looked around. "Hey, where did he go? He should be honored to be the double of such a person as Vora…" She then noticed Raziel was just standing there, and she gasped and ran over. "Razzy! Razzy, are you okay?!"

Raziel couldn't bring himself to insult, correct, or even ignore Razielia. "Murfin raffle def," he muttered.

"What did you say, doll?" she asked.

"Murfin raffle def," Raziel muttered again, though a bit louder.

"Oh," she said, then glanced around, as if expecting an interpreter to walk out of nowhere. "Um…right. Well…I'm glad you're okay. Are you ready to move on?"

"Rea, uh eh," he mumbled, and began to turn towards the door.

"Okay!" Razielia said happily. She practically skipped ahead just so she could open the door for him. Raziel moved slowly, his shoulders slumped, his eyes dim, and dragging the Reaver behind him as though it were a piece of dead meat and not a powerful sword of legend.

Razielia waited patiently. "Aruh roo," Raziel mumbled as he walked past.

"You're welcome!" Razielia replied, then let the door close. She walked a few steps ahead of Raziel, and then began to talk. "You know, that Sarafan in there reminded me a lot of my sister Turelia. Have I ever told you about her?"

"Uhhhhrrrrgggg," Raziel groaned.

"I'll take that as a no," Razielia said, "Well, looks like we've got an empty hall between us and this other guy, so I'll tell you. Turelia never did what you told her either, she was too much of a drama queen for that. I swear, I don't think she caught a meal for herself in her entire life. And whatever you do, don't let her into a kitchen! Though Doomie never did figure that out, the poor dolt…I think she let Tur burn down four strongholds before she finally got the idea that Tur plus kitchen equal fire. I tried to tell her, but you know, she just wouldn't listen…Melanie thought maybe it was just a learning problem she had, but I told her that was Rahabia's excuse, not Doomies. But anyway, Turelia was always so competitive with me about everything! Clothes, guys, wars, everything! Not that I blame her, I mean…Who wouldn't want to be me?…"

As Razielia rattled on ahead of him, Raziel glumly scooted along, dragging the Reaver behind him. And in that moment, he realized he had never missed his eyes so much, as a real good bawl could have done him a world of good.


	5. I Could Have Done Mortal Kombat'

_Author's Notes: Yeah, I know, I took my sweet time this time around, and I apologize…Time is not on my side these days. La sigh…Welp, anyway, reviews!_

_Smoke: Thanks, but I don't care what the stained-glass picture of Janos is supposed to have been. It's a picture of a monstrous looking Janos Audron towering over the town while it's in flames. How, then, does a person get the death of Janos Audron out of that?! So in my humble opinion, it's really supposed to be what it looks like: Janos terrorizing Uschtenheim, in which case the Sarafan could have had it there for years at that point. nods As for what's wrong with the Raz Man…Well, you're about to see. :-)_

_Cobra-kun: Vorador's head exploding…Now, why didn't I think of that?! lol Just kidding, although that would've been pretty funny._

_cmartist: Glad you're enjoying it. More idiocy is only moments away…_

_Varyssa: Since a lot of people like the "Die when I kill you" line, it's only fair tio admit I didn't come up with that. I actually stole it from "Serious Sam". But still! It's a good line considering the situation, don't you think? :-)_

_Kokuryu: Ah, well, thanks…Read Vayssa's answer above though to see where I got the line. I hope this one doesn't bust your gut…That might be kind of messy. ;-)_

_Kyrial: Well, a good, complete senseless is pretty messed up in my opinion, and I;m glad you're enjoying it as well as my sense of humor! Hope you did read the original "WVGAATAL"—that's what you can call messed up humor there. :-P_

_Well, now that those are out of the way, with out any more ado (and I'm not cleaning it up this time, either, so someone else better get it) I bring you…_

**Chapter Five:**  
"**I Could Have Done 'Mortal Kombat'"  
****(Farewell, Razielia)**

The corridor was not the longest in the Sarafan Stronghold, but at that point in space and time, Raziel was convinced it was the longest in the entire universe as it seemed to have no end. And it wasn't simply because he knew he would have to face his former self at the end of it, either; in fact, if that's all there was to it, he could have handled it just fine, no problem. But oh, no, of course it wasn't as simple as that. No peace for Raziel the Reaver of Souls, not even in this one act. Instead of the delightful little stroll he was supposed to have from his battle with Turel to his battle with himself, he was instead only barely finding the strength to put one foot in front of the other as his blasted double, Razielia the Drag Reaver, prattled on ahead of him about the Nosgoth from her reality—information Raziel could have gone several lifetimes without.

"Now, my sister Melanie was always my favorite," she was saying, her high-pitched voice so chipper that Raziel would have gladly throttled her if he had the will. "True, she was the youngest, and not very strong…or fast…or fashionable…But my goodness, that girl had sense! I bet she was the most practical of us all. She was so environmentally friendly, and she never wasted a thing. She even reused the hides of her victims! Of course, her own hide was rotten and full of maggots, and she stank to high heaven, and most of the skin suits she made were very badly tailored and just plain tacky, but hey, it worked for her. Usually. Now, me, you could never catch me in that kind of outfit, but I have it on good authority that Melly talked Rahabia into modeling one of her designs once…"

What did he do to deserve this? Was he really that ruthless as a Sarafan that he deserved to be punished even now for things like the murder of Janos Audron? Was feeding on blood of countless thousands of innocent victims as a vampire really that bad? Raziel wanted nothing more than for that…he/she thing to shut up and stop following him around. He'd tried running from her, he'd tried attempts on her life, he'd tried amusing her, and still! Nothing seemed to work! She was like a flea that simply refuses to leave, that just bites you on the posterior until it itches so badly you just have to scratch it, only to have her jump onto your arm. Only fleas didn't talk, while Razielia didn't know how to shut up. Raziel just dragged himself and the Reaver along behind her, while she went on.

"…I remember once, Doomie and Turelia got into an argument over this one human guy…Oh, wow, he must have worked out every day because was just to DIE for! Big, firm muscles; dark, smooth skin; big, brown eyes you could have just fallen into and never come back out, and hair that you'd just want to run your claws through until doom's day! Anyway, Doomie said he was captured on her territory, but Tur said he was captured on _her_ territory…So they got into a bit of a scuffle that ended up smearing both of their make-up and ruining their clothes, and while they were busy fighting over Cute Boy, Zephonia just strolled over, picked him up and carried him off! Nether one of them even noticed he was gone! I should have told them, I know, but I was laughing so hard I could barely breath, much less try to break up my fighting sisters…"

If only he could get in touch with Director Henning! If only he hadn't had so much fun picking on Ariel! If only that stupid little programmer hadn't put her back into the game! If only she'd just stayed in her bloody reality and left his alone in the first place! Her voice started to seem a little further off, and the tiniest ray of hope shined out from his heart as he dared lift his head. Razielia was so distracted with her stories that she didn't even notice she was moving away from Raziel. Maybe she wouldn't notice at all…Maybe she'd just go on ahead and just fade out of existence…

No such luck. She realized she was getting ahead of him and, horror of all horrors, turned around and came back. "My, Razzy! You're being so slow for once! Hop to, huh?" she giggled. She then went on rambling. Raziel couldn't even tell what about this time, however. He was doing all in his power to block her out of his mind, but even that was so hard. It was as though she were physically impossible to ignore…

"So, anyway, did I mention what marvelous parties Zephonia used to throw? She was a wily, evil little cockroach in my opinion, but my goodness! Phonia could throw a party that was usually remembered for two, three decades later at the least..."

Raziel groaned a bit. Why wouldn't this wretch shut up? He once had brothers much the same as her sisters, and they hadn't been half as interesting as she seemed to think her sisters were, and yet he would have gladly seen Dumah, that moron, come out of no where an just squish the little Drag Reaver just then…

"…This one party she had, she set up behind Koein's back as an anniversary present…It had been 300 years since we'd kicked ass, taken names, and took over the known world, and we figured that was a good excuse for a celebration. Of course, we thought Rahabia's success at removing a grass stain from her favorite top was a reason to get down and boogie, but be that as it may…"

Why wouldn't she just shut up? Was she ill in more ways then he thought? Was she unable to stop her tongue from wagging despite the fact she had no tongue? Raziel felt his frustration begin to well up again as Razielia just kept talking. She was just going on, and on, and on, and on…

"…She got everything together, including the wine, which I think was really just blood from the drunkest humans she could hunt down, little black paper bats with confetti that we threw all over the place, and so much more... Oh, Razzy, it was just devine!"

"Razielia…," Raziel said softly.

"…But Phonia was also notoriously crazy…I think she crashed as many parties as she held. Tur hadn't quite gotten over the time Phon wrecked her 300th Birthday Party, and so conspired with Doomie, Melanie, and it was actually one of the few times she let me in on one her plans, to wreck it…Did I tell you about what Phon did at Tur's 300th Birthday Party? Remind me to do that later. Anyway,…"

"Razielia…" Raziel raised his voice slightly, and stood up enough to look at her well.

"…Turelia got us all together and said she was going to take a bucket of some of that precious wine of Phonia's and pour it all over her during the party. You used to be a vampire, so surely you know how badly blood stains. We all knew she'd be positively furious with us, which is probably why Doomie, Melly, and I agreed to do it. Aren't we just wicked? But, as I was—"

Raziel raised up the Reaver and slammed it against the wall, the contact of metal on stone sending up sparks, not to mention making a horrible crashing noise that made Razielia jump sky high and look at Raziel with wide eyes. She found her Soul Reaver counter part with his eyes narrowed, and his body shaking slightly. "That's it!" he yelled, "That is bloody it! What do you want from me?! Huh?! What! Do! You! **Want from me?!**"

Razielia just stared for a moment, flabbergasted, causing Raziel to slam the flat of the blade against the wall again. This made the Drag Reaver flinch as he yelled, "Well?! I'm waiting!!"

"I-I-I, uh…," Razielia stammered quietly, too shell shocked to think straight.

"You-you-you what?!" Raziel snorted. He took a step towards her threateningly.

"I…just wanna help," Razielia finally managed.

Raziel shook his head. "Help?" he said, his voice somewhat lower but no gentler, "You-you-you want to help? Well, hate to break it you, _doll,_" He said the word with such distain that even Razielia could tell he didn't mean it as the endearment she used it for. "But you are anything but helping me! You have been nothing but one catastrophe after another! You have been nothing but a constant headache and a pain in my ass! You have been nothing but the world's most annoying programming glitch!"

Razielia gulped, hurt. "E..even worse than…than Turel?" she asked innocently.

"Three times worse than Turel!" Raziel exclaimed, waving his arms and the Reaver about as he did so, "Six times worse! Nine times! A hundred! Razielia, you are a glitch that is a _thousand _times worse than Sarafan Turel's decapitated head pointing out the obvious!"

As Razielia whimpered slightly and cowered backwards, clearly hurt, Raziel reached up with his free hand and laid his head in it, covering his eyes. "CapCom was looking for a new dark, anti-hero male character," he mumbled, "'Devil May Cry'…that's what they called the game…I could have done that. I had a contract made out for me by the people at 'Mortal Kombat'…They wanted me for a new character…I could have done that, too…I could have done 'Mortal Kombat'…I mean, who in 'Mortal Kombat' could stand up to me, really? But oh, no…I wanted my OWN game…Eidos said, 'Hey, we just bought this vampire title from Silicon Knights! You want to be our new playable character?' and like an idiot, what did I do? I signed with them! And what did I pass up a place in 'Mortal Kombat' for? What do I get for my trouble?" He looked up at Razielia, who was pulling at her silk veil nervously as she watched him with sad eyes. "To be driven insane by a crazy ass wench like you…I bet Scorpion never has to put up with nonsense like this…"

Razielia let her head drop, so that it was obvious she wasn't looking him in the eye, then lifted her head slightly and said as sensibly as she could, "I'm sensing a lot of negative energy around you, Raziel…"

Raziel mockingly pretended to be shocked, throwing his head back and closing his eyes as much as he could while placing the back of his clawed hand on his forehead. "No!" he gasped, and even that was dripping in sarcasm, "Negative energy? Around me? You don't say!" He resumed his normal stance, but continued on in a sarcastic tone, "Even if I weren't being stalked by an annoying twit of a doppelganger, what on Nosgoth would I have to be negative about? You know, seeing how I lead such a peaceful, blissful life like I do…"

Razielia snorted and crossed her arms. "Easy, there, Razzy," she said, sounding a bit cross. "No reason to be cynical. Besides, no one ever lends money to a man with a sense of humor…"

"What are you talking about??" Raziel would have raised an eyebrow if he'd had one, but considering what he had to work with, he still managed to get the expression across. "Did you go completely mental, you fu—"

"…Rahmphrugical…"

The soft, garbled noise in Raziel's ear was enough to make him freeze. It was a familiar sound…and a familiar voice as well. Could it be…? Was it possible…?

"Ra…Raziel! Raziel, can you hear me?!" Director Amy Henning's voice was a little staticy, and she had to yell before he could understand her clearly, but there was no doubt in Raziel's mind that he was hearing his director at long last. He was so relieved that he fell to his knees, momentarily forgetting his frustration with Razielia.

"Director Henning!" he cried out. He was glad he could no longer cry, else he might have bawled out of relief. "Director Henning! I'm so happy to hear your wonderful, beautiful, angelic voice!"

Razielia's eyes widened and she backed up into a corner, now more nervous than ever before. "Are you really talking to her?" she asked, more than a little concerned.

"Shut up, wretch!" Raziel snapped at her.

"What did you call me?!" Director Henning yelled back at Raziel.

"Not you!" Raziel replied, and eyed Razielia darkly, "Not you, Director, oh no! You're my wonderful, lovely, brilliant director! Why would I ever say anything like that to you?"

There was a pause as Director Henning considered the compliments she just received, which were very odd for Raziel. "Okay!" she said at last, "What went wrong this time??"

Raziel breathed a sigh of yet more relief, and went on to explain the entire lengthy process, from Moebius and Malek making him pick up the Reaver to soon and Razielia's reappearance, to Vorador's sudden entrance and Turel's inability to die, all while the Drag Reaver cowered in the corner.

When he was done, there was another pause. This time it lasted so long Raziel was afraid he'd lost her, until she said, "Okay, look, our signal is weak and unreliable here, so if we get cut off, that's why! About the double, I'm taking care of the problem right now! The programmer that put her back in is being reprimanded, and she's about to be removed from the code! But I'm afraid tharrum ithak ffgu wamp…"

"What? Director Henning, you're breaking up with me!" But it was too late. She had lost her signal and was gone. Saddened, Raziel sighed and stood back up. Razielia instantly perked up, obviously hopeful.

"Was that her?" she asked him again, "What did she say about me being here? What's going on? Are you in trouble?"

"Well, Razielia," Raziel said, his eyes the most pleased Razielia had probably ever seen them as he looked at her, "If you really want to know, I suggest you look down."

Razielia did, and what she saw there made her scream. Her legs were disappearing from the ground up. First the color, then the shape, then the frame, then it was gone. It was moving swiftly up her body, literally erasing her.

"NO!" she shrieked, terrified, "I'm disappearing! But I can't! It's not over yet! Razzy still needs me!!"

Raziel just gave her a friendly wave. "Bye, Razielia…Hopefully, I _won't_ see you next time."

"No!" The Drag Reaver exclaimed, the removal process now having reached her chest and neck. "I can't go! He needs me! HE NEEDS ME!" And with that last, final cry, Razielia the Drag Reaver departed the game of "Soul Reaver 2", not to be heard from again. At least, as far as that particular game was concerned.

For a moment, Raziel just stood still and reveled in the silence of the corridor. No talking…no stupid suggestions…No stupid, high-pitched girlish voice…. Just silence. He stood there for what seemed like forever, before finally jumping up and yelling in the first joy he'd felt in a long time.

"AAAHHHH-YA!" he exclaimed happily, then raced down what was left of the corridor. He was alone, at last, and off to face his last, and toughest enemy. This was what a role playing game was about for the character…This is why he'd taken the Legacy of Kain job over Mortal Kombat…For this, this battle, this journey, this moment as he stopped and opened the door leading to his final confrontation…

Emotions raced through him as Raziel walked into the room. He once imagined his Sarafan self as a noble, proud, honorable person. He'd once revered his mortal life as one of honor and strength, as one of the truly good. Now, knowing what he did, and having bore witness to Janos Audron's dreadful execution, he looked upon his mortal self and knew him to be the hateful, righteous, arrogant creature he had always been. And felt only the loathing and contempt for him as he watched the Sarafan with the black hair and the cruel blade swing his sword down and say, smugly, but with as much hate in his voice as the wraith felt:

"So, _vampire_—here we are."


	6. Full ThreeRing Circus, uh, Circle

_Author's Notes: Happy New Year, everyone! And with the new year of 2005, I bring you chapter 6 of Raziel's misadventures at the end of Soul Reaver 2! But, first, as always, the reviews…_

_Varyssa: Dante's okay. The white hair is coo, but Raziel's voice makes me melt every bloody time! Though, I doubt he'd look as good in a red duster…:-P _

_Killer Doll Prototype 5: Ah, well thank you! But no fear…As anyone whose read the original "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib" knows, Razielia will be back with more Drag Reaver hilarity as only she can give!_

_Cobra-kun: Yeah, your right…Raziel isn't the only one beyond death. (ha!) She'll be back…She'll always be back. :-p_

_Smoke: I'm very glad you enjoyed it so! It really deserved rereading? Awsomeness! Say, when will the rest of WVGCAATAL Part 3 be up? If I may ask, that is…_

_Mortal Sora: You are still with me! Yay! hugs I'm glad you liked it…And five as well (yeah, you can't rid of Razielia that easily). Hope you like this one as well. :-)_

_And now, in a new, piney-fresh scent, it's…_

**Chapter Six:  
****Full Three-Ring Circus, uh, Circle**

And so here he was, at long last. No Time Streamers, no mysterious clues from his vampire creator, no annoying banter from his transsexual double…Just Raziel, the Reaver, and his Sarafan self, who still oblivious to his hellish future.

The Sarafan was armored as the others had been, but with no helmet, giving Raziel a full view of the face he knew very well to have been his own once. He saw on one forearm a deadly, and cruel looking blade that had been strapped there…the same blade that had torn open Janos Audron's chest, and provided this righteous warrior access to his black heart, later to be known as the infamous Heart of Darkness. In his opposite hand was a sword that the raven-haired mortal swung slightly, as if taunting the wraith. He voice was harsh, and full of hate and spite, but his eyes shone with the prospect of the battle to come. Raziel in his wraith body knew that arrogance and confidence…had he not felt it before, as Kain's First Born and Lieutenant? And did he not, with the Reaver's own excitement pulsing through him, and his hatred of this mortal fool boring a hole into him, not feel the very same way this instant?

"So, _vampire,_" the Sarafan said, saying the word as though it tasted bad in his mouth, "Here we are."

The wraith stopped a few mere feet from his former self, watching the human. So he thought he was a vampire? Well, he was half right…and yet so, terribly far from the truth…

"You have destroyed my brethren-and now you've come for me?" the Sarafan continued, "You'll find I'm not such easy prey."

"I don't want to kill you, but I will if I must," the wraith said. Was that true? Did he honestly not want to kill this fool of a human, this blight on the face of the universe, this Sarafan Inquisitor of which he had so recently been so proud? He wasn't sure. "Return the heart to me, and we can end this now."

The Sarafan seemed to find that amusing. He wouldn't find it so funny if he knew the monstrosity before him was, in fact, his own eventual fate. "So you've come to avenge that filthy parasite, and reclaim his foul heart?" he said mockingly, "You are a _righteous_ fiend, aren't you?"

The wraith tipped his head slightly. He wasn't sure rather to feel humored or disgusted. "Apparently I am," he said, still looking at his past self.

The Sarafan turned cold. "No, vampire—this is where it ends," he said, "But you won't be leaving this room. Now, let's finish this—" He stopped then and a blank look crossed his face. He just stood there for a moment, then repeated, "Now, let's finish this…" When nothing came to him, he sighed, bit his lip, shifted his weight and repeated, "Now, let's finish this…Shit!" He finally gave up, sheathed his sword, reached under his armor and withdrew a copy of the spiral bound script.

The wraith stared at his Sarafan self in disbelief. "You…you don't remember…You don't remember your lines?!" he yelled, "You've got one blasted scene in the whole bloody game, and you can't remember your lines?! Oh, you were definitely drawn on a different pad than me, let me tell you…I never forget my lines, and I'm a playable character in two different games..."

"Just shut up, will you?!" The Sarafan Raziel spat as he flipped pages, "Not all of us can blue-demon-vampire things, okay? What page was it…"

"But it's the principle of the matter!" Wraith Raziel exclaimed, "I work my arse all the way up here, from Moebius cuddling with Malek, to Dumah and Rahab discussing the finer points of dirt and water, to Turel's inability to die, and let's not forget that…THING! Razielia! Only to get all the way here and find out that you can't remember your lines?!" The wraith was now fuming, and breathing heavily, despite the fact he had no lungs.

The Sarafan, however, just stared at the wraith with wide eyes, the open script in his hand temporarily forgotten. "Dude," he said, "did you really have to go through all that?"

"Oh, and more!" the wraith said, shaking his head. "Malek seems to have a variety of annoying but minor health problems, Moebidiot is oblivious to anything not written down on a piece of paper for him to read…"

"Hey, Moebidiot…That's pretty good!" the Sarafan Raziel commented.

"Oh, yeah, thanks," the wraith Raziel said appreciatively, then went on, "Anyway, Vorador was driven crazy by my…uh, I mean, a freak from another reality that I have absolutely no relation to whatsoever and ran out a stained glass window, and I've seen birds that can't get as high as Melchiah was when I dropped in on him and Zephon."

"Melchiah's high again?" the Sarafan exclaimed, then sighed and shook his head, "How many times do I have to tell him? No smoking on Eidos and Crystal Dynamics time!"

"I heard something about brownies," the wraith added, "But trust me, he's not high anymore." He patted the Reaver. "Though I'm curious…you're more upset about Melchiah being half-baked than Vorador breaking one of you stained glass windows?"

"Oh, well, yeah, there is that," the Sarafan said, but shrugged, "But I'm not really worried about him…The Sarafan have a Catch and Release program with some of the older vampires."

"Catch and Release?" the wraith asked.

"Yeah," the Sarafan explained, "If they can break in and kill a guardian or two, then we'll let them back out again."

"Huh?" the wraith was now confused, "but I thought the Guardians were your bosses…"

"Exactly," the Sarafan said with an evil grin, "I've got my next pay check wagered that Malek gets it next…By the way, do you know how many Vorador managed to tag before he broke the window?"

"I think it was six," the wraith said. He paused and counted. "Let's see, Mortanius survives, and Moebius survives, and Malek survives, sort of…so, yeah, six."

"Oh, man! Malek lived? Shit a brick!" The Sarafan Raziel cursed, "So much for my paycheck…"

"So...you don't actually like the Guardians?" the wraith inquired.

"Of course not, who actually likes their boss?" The Sarafan rolled his eyes, as though everyone knew that. "I only signed up for this Sarafan gig for the free food…I thought it was for the chicks, too, but I think they get all of their female recruits from rejects of the Ugly Women Elite and shave their heads…"

The wraith laughed, but the Sarafan shook his head.

"No, no, you don't get it! I mean, I've seen dog butts that look better than these women!"

The wraith only laughed harder. "Oh, that sounds so wrong!"

The Sarafan paused, then smirked and started to chuckle a little. "Yeah, I…I guess it did, didn't it?" he said.

"Could have been worse," the wraith said, "You could have said horse's butt." That made them both go into fits of laughter.

They were laughing at each other, Sarafan and wraith Raziel, laughing at each other's stupid comments and dirty minds when they should have been trying to kill each other for a good ten of fifteen minutes. At length, they pulled themselves together enough to look at the other, but one glance sent them both back into hysterics.

Eventually, the laughter dwindled, and then stopped completely. It was replaced by uncomfortable silence, likely due to the fact that they both knew how the battle would end, and that they'd both realized that they actually liked the other one a little. They stood there in their silence for a few minutes, until the wraith Raziel finally clearly his throat and broke the silence.

"So, um, you found that page yet?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

The Sarafan nodded and looked down at the script, which he'd managed to hold on to. "Um, yeah, yeah," he said, straining to sound as casual, "Yeah, I just…just need to find the line..."

The wraith just nodded and waited. A few minutes later, the Sarafan said, "here it is," and then stashed the script again, and drew his sword again.

"Now, let's finish this," he said again, then, "I'll make it mercifully quick."

The wraith considered not going on with the scene…but in the end, the showman in him won out. "As you did for Janos," he said, true to form.

The Sarafan laughed coldly. Raziel could suddenly sense he wasn't acting. "No, that beast had eluded us for _far_ too long. It would have been a _shame_ to end him to quickly."

The wraith suddenly felt his anger rise again. "You didn't mean that, did you?" he said coldly.

The Sarafan looked confused, then said, "Um, well…yeah," he shrugged, "I mean, this is Janos Audron we're talking about…He was a terrorist, a murderer, and he looked like an overgrown Smurf with wings. What wouldn't I want to kill him?"

The wraith felt his hatred well up again. He now remembered why he disliked this guy to begin with. "How about because he was as undangerous as he possibly could have been, considering?" he snapped, "How about because he actually pitied you mortal fools? How about he actually forgave you idiots for killing the vampires?"

"Forgiveness?" The Sarafan said, disgusted, "I don't need any bloody vampire's forgiveness for anything! I have no shame for the things I've done!"

"Oh yeah?!" Wraith Raziel yelled, raising the Reaver.

"Yeah!" the Sarafan Raziel yelled back, raising his own sword, "And if you don't like that, you can just bring it, you blue…cockroach!"

"Don't call me that!" The wraith yelled, and then lunged at his Sarafan self. The Sarafan met him in the middle, and they began to battle.

The fight was anything but short, each one countering the other almost every chance they got. After all, who knew Raziel's fighting style better than Raziel? But the differences were just enough that hits were managed through out that battle. The Sarafan, trained to be more military as well as religious, followed a strict set of rules as an honor code when he fought. The wraith, however, was far more chaotic in his approach…and so, in time when the Sarafan would not strike at the wraith, the wraith did strike, and usually hit, the Sarafan. It wasn't long before the mortal tired, and begun to become sluggish, while the dead creature tired not at all, sustained by the sword. And then, finally, standing in the circle of a snake eating it's own tail painted on the floor, Wraith Raziel made the killing blow and drove the Reaver trough the armor, clothes, and flesh of the Sarafan.

As the blade drains the Sarafan Raziel of his lifeblood, he chokes and gags, his wide eyes reflecting the shock he felt in his sudden defeat. He looked up at the Wraith Raziel, and perhaps realized exactly whom the blue creature really was, but what his last thoughts truly were we should never know. And the wraith, looking down at his defeated Sarafan self, who would later be risen as Kain's first born, and recalling all that he had come to blame and despise about the Sarafan, knew precisely what was running through his own head. And as the Sarafan looked up at him, impaled upon the Reaver, losing his blood and dying, the wraith had but one last thing to say…

"Does this classify as a suicide?" he asked no one in particular. He knew that wasn't what he was supposed to say, but, hey, seemed like the thing to do at the time.

The Sarafan died, and fell off of the sword. Raziel lifted the Reaver, as if to examine it as it devoured the last drops of his own blood…Blood that had not flowed through his veins since he had been the despicable creature now dead before him. As he examined the blade, he felt the wraith blade, at long last, return to him, and then leave, wrapping itself around it's former, physical self instead. The absence of the wraith blade chilled him, but there wasn't really anything he could do about it.

"And then, there was one," Raziel jokingly mumbled to himself as looked at the blade. He then glanced down at the dead body on the ground. "In all senses of the term…"

Then, suddenly, as if possessed by the blade, his own arm turned the Reaver on him. His fiery white eyes widened, and even though he knew it was coming, he still managed to take him by surprise.

"Hey, wait!" He yelled, trying to use his free arm to block the sword, "I didn't mean it like that! I'm too young to get sucked into a sword and go crazy from millennia of imprisonment! Can't we talk about this?!"

But, of course, we all know you can't reason with a blood-devouring sword that has temporarily become a soul-devouring sword. In fact, if you ever meet any sword you can reason with, let me know. Raziel's attempts to do just that were, thus, ignored, and he was eventually impaled upon the sword and forced to his knees. The Soul Reaver pushed him so far backwards that he was leaning back, and was held up by the tip of the sword hitting the ground. He tried to pull the sword back out, and his body was no longer his. All he could do was sit back and let the sword drain him of his life force. He sighed, tried to move a little, and found he couldn't even do that.

"Well," he said, in a choked, forced voice as he tried to look over his shoulder and at the part of the blade coming out his back, "This is uncomfortable…"

Just then, Raziel heard the munching of popcorn, and was shocked to see Kain, leaning against a column and eating out of a tub filled with the corn snack, which had been generously coated in blood.

"**YOU!**" Raziel exclaimed as best he could, "Are you enjoying this, Kain?!"

"Oh, yeah," Kain said, bending down to pick up a thermos cup of blood-flavored cocoa, "And to the fullest extent. You should do more death scenes, Raz, you're pretty good." He took a drink out of the thermos cup. Raziel wasn't surprised to see it was a "Soul Reaver 2" cup. That only infuriated the wraith further.

"Bite my blue butt!" Raziel managed to hiss.

"No thanks, I've been cutting cockroaches from my diet," Kain joked. He sat down both the cup and the popcorn. "But really, if you just give into it, you'd be much happier for it…"

"Oh, sure!" Raziel choked, "So says the vampire who supposedly just wanted to get a good look at my wings! Don't think I've forgotten how that one ended!"

"Oh, come on, your not still sore about the wing thing?" Kain frowned, "Crystal Dynamics made me do it, Raziel, I'm telling you! I actually liked your wings…They were nice. You know, it a nasty mutated bat kind of way…" He laughed.

"You know," Raziel strained, his white eyes narrowed, "If I weren't having my soul stolen, I'd kick your ass."

"Excuses, excuses," Kain replied. He casually strolled over to Raziel, grasped the end of the Reaver, then looked at Raziel and said, almost mockingly, "Now, this may sting a little." He then proceeded to jerk the sword out.

The force of the jerk pulled Raziel forward and forced him to all fours, not to mention the horrible, pain-filled scream. He had been saved from oblivion, but he was almost completely drained.

"Now you are free to claim your true destiny," Kain said to Raziel, still grasping the Reaver as he looked down at the wraith.

"Yeah," Raziel agreed, glaring up at Kain, "which has, and always will be to shove the wraith blade straight up your…"

He was cut off as history suddenly began to wrap and change around them, finding a new course to take since it's old path was blocked by Kain. Raziel looked on with wonder as old memories died, and new ones were born behind Kain's eyes. As it continued, Kain's face was frozen in a look of horror. When history finally found a course it liked and settled, Kain dropped the Reaver, grasped his head and shook it.

"My god!" he exclaimed, "…The Hylden!… We walked…right…into…their…trap…" He stopped, blinked, and scratched his head. "Okay, since when was I Captain Kirk? Eh, no matter…"

He lunged forward and grabbed Raziel.

"Raziel!" he exclaimed urgently, "Janos must _stay dead_! And I just remembered that you stiffed me five bucks 200 years before your execution, you bastard!"

But Kain's words fell on deaf ears as Raziel lost all the energy he'd had, and his body dissolved into the spectral realm. And there, waited for him, as always, was the wraith blade…and he knew that his destiny had not been averted. Only delayed…

After a few minutes, he shrugged, then addressed the body of his dead Sarafan self. "Well," he said, "It'll be a little while yet. This game is now officially over."

Then, just when he least expected it, the voice of Director Henning spoke into his ear, now clearer than ever.

"Alright, finally!" she said, "I was hoping you'd be able to change realms soon…I can only reach you in the stronghold when you're in the spectral realm."

"Yeah, I noticed," Raziel said, "It's done, Director! 'Soul Reaver 2' is officially completed!"

"Yeah right!" Director Henning laughed, "Malek being itchy…Melchiah high…Turel's programming glitch, and, as you said, not to mention the Drag Reaver. How on Earth do you expect me to be able to use any of this?"

Raziel's eyes widened. "Wha…what are you telling me?" he said worriedly, "Please tell me that you aren't saying what I think your saying…"

"I can't do that," Director Henning informed him, "Because I am saying exactly what you think I'm saying. We are going to have to reshoot, Raziel."

Raziel gulped and said, meekly. "All…all of it?"

"Yes," Director Henning replied, "All of it. Every single shot. All the way back to Moebius and Malek, up to you and Kain. All of it."

Raziel just sat there, stunned. He was unable to speak. He was so quiet for so long, in fact, that Director Henning had to say, "Raziel? Raziel, are you still there? Hello?"

"Yeah, I'm here," Raziel replied, "Listen, Director, could you do me a favor?"

"Sure, maybe…what?" she asked.

"Kill me," he responded, "I mean, really. Kill me. Totally. And this time, leave me dead."

The director laughed. "Raz, you're such a kidder," she said, "Take five while we set everything up again. I'll call you when we're ready to start. See you soon."

Raziel just couldn't believe it. After all of that hassle, all the bull, all that work, only to have to do it all over again. And the more he thought about it, the more he thought only one person could possibly be responsible. It was that thought in mind that he later made a request to change the words that appear at the end of the game, a request that was denied. Had it pasted, however, instead of reading, "History abhors a paradox." The very last thing anyone would read while playing 'Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2' would have been only five words long.

**History abhors a Drag Reaver.**


	7. Epilogue

**Mega Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Ad-Lib:  
****Raziel Versus the Sarafan Inquisitors**

**Epilogue**

_Meanwhile, back where all this foolishness started…_

He blinked once. Then twice. Then Moebius had the sudden realization that he was clinging onto Malek for dear life. Revolted, he suddenly jumped away from the Conflict Guardian and stared at him, a look of pure disgust on his face. "Get away from me!" he yelled.

Malek blinked, looked around, and then looked at Moebius. "But…I thought we were bonding," he whimpered.

Moebius shuttered. "Good gods, no! I was…um…hiding behind you for protection! What if that wraith in drag had attacked us?! I'd be dead now! Hmph! Some Protector of the Circle you are…"

Malek sniffed a bit, then reached down and picked up his pike along with Moebius' staff. "I'm sorry, Lord Moebius," he whined, "But I have an uncontrollable fear of silk, satin, lace, and other soft, frilly things." He handed Moebius' staff out to him.

Moebius looked at him for several moments without taking his staff. "Wait," he said, "If you're afraid of thinks like silk and lace then…how do you and a woman…you know…"

"How do I and a woman…Do what, sir?" Malek asked innocently, still holding out Moebius' staff to him, "I'm afraid I don't know…"

"What??" Moebius exclaimed, legitimately shocked. Even he'd never seen this coming. "You don't know what I'm talking about? Honestly? Either your even dumber than I thought, or..." A devilishly sneaky smile crept onto the Time-Streamer's face and he chuckled slightly. "Malek, are you a virgin?"

Malek sat up straighter than usually and looked around nervously. "What?! Who?! Me?!" he said, trying to sound especially masculine but only succeeding in sounding particularly stupid. He gave a fake laugh that easily betrayed his nerves even more. "Ha ha! Oh, heh, very good joke, Lord Moebius, you really had me going…I know that you don't really think that I, Malek, Lord of the Sarafan Warriors, Guardian of Conflict, Protector of the Circle of Nine, am a virgin…Why, I've got entire villages of ladies lining up at my door every night…They literally throw themselves at me…Yeah, and I mean, they like, put their entire weight behind it and…stuff like that…"

"Uh-huh," said Moebius dubiously, crossing his arms. "They must be really desperate for you then, Malek…and if you expect me to believe that, I have some swamp land in Coorhagen I'd like to sell you."

"No kidding?!" Malek said enthusiastically, "How much??"

Moebius groaned, then lunged forward and jerked the staff away from Malek. "Give me that, you idiot!"

"Hey!" Malek yelled, then frowned as he looked at his hand. "Careful! I have very sensitive skin…plus I bruise very easily…"

Moebius sighed and shook his head. "He's not just a virgin, he's also a wimp," he mumbled, "God, I have done nothing but obey and protect you all my life, serving your every wish and whim…Why, then, do you curse me with this idiot in a tin can as a Guardian?!"

"I don't think any god had anything to do with it," Malek said, "I think Dennis Dyack did, though."

Moebius glared at the Sarafan Lord. "Malek," he said through gritted teeth, "if I told you that I knew for a fact that you would soon never have to worry about a single physical problem or irrational fear ever again, would you shut up?"

"Really?" Malek exclaimed, grinning like a fool underneath his helm, "Wow! That would be some great cure, Lord Moebius, if that were really true…Is it?"

That sneaky little smile again found it's way onto Moebius' mouth again. "Oh, it's very true, Malek," he said mysteriously, "Very true indeed…In fact, I'd even go as far to say that this…miracle cure is simply…" He paused, and then laughed quietly. "To die for…"

* * *

_Author's Notes: Ab-ba-duh, ab-ba-duh, ab-ba-duh, that's all, folks! I hope you enjoyed this little sequel to "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Ad-Lib", especially those of you who really wanted to see me do the Wraith Raziel vs the Sarafan Raziel scene, and for those of you who haven't read the original yet, feel free to drop by my profile and check it out sometime. And now, the reviews from last chapter…_

_Rikku142: I'm so glad you enjoyed it so much! Well, um, I'm not glad that you choked on your orange juice…poor juice, too! I mean, what did those orange ever do to you? (Just kidding, honest.) Hope you're doing better, and thanks for adding me to your favorites._

_Varyssa: Hehe, I love you too, but let's just stay friends, okay? (Another joke, just kidding, don't hurt me.) Again, so glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for reviewing so often._

_Smoke: Regular as clockwork, you are. :-) It always pleases me to see your reviews, Smoke. Don't worry about the comic thing if it's bothering you, I was just curious anyway. I love what you've done so far, though. And yeah, Kain knew the thing was ruined, so he had no reason not to torment Raziel some. And I actually think Simon made Kain say that he missed Raziel's wings twice in the Defiance outtakes. See ya' around. Oh, btw, I absolutely love 'Drop a Stone', I just haven't had the opportunity to review yet._

_Cobra-kun: Kain will forever be addicted to blood-flavored cocoa as far as I'm concerned. "I renounce you" is one of my favorite lines as well, but for a parody like this one…it just didn't fit. The "Does this classify as suicide?" seemed to ring more true to my particular style of LOK idiocy. And doesn't co-workers drive as all mad? (Har har)_

_Kyrial: Hey, no prob. You should check out the original WVGCAATAL if you haven't already. You'll see more of Razielia, and some of the Defiance scenes I've already done. As for letting you do a WVGCAATAL…Well, I have no qualms with you using some of my ideas, like the blood-flavored cocoa and Razielia and whatever else you want to use particularly since I think it may be a while before I do another parody, so long as you give me at least partial credit and DON'T use "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Ad-Lib" in the title…You can use it for stuff like, "Based on Tomlette's 'Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Ad-Lib'" or whatever, just not in the title. And fear not—If you do something like this, I'll be watching for and reviewing every chapter! :-)_

_Well, that's that boys and girls. I'd like to thank my reviewers: **Varyessa, Smoke, Darster, Raven-Marss2000, Syvia, MortalSora, Cobra-kun, ShadesOfBlood, cmartist, Kokuryu, Kyrial, Killer Doll Prototype 5, and Rikku142. I couldn't have done it without you!!!!**_

_And remember that no matter what, no matter how bad the situation seems or looks from your view, there is one fact that will remain constant throughout the universe. So, when you are feeling down, or things aren't going your way, or Raziel just won't jump onto that damn column no matter how many times you hit that damn X button, just tell yourself one thing…_

**HISTORY ABHORS A DRAG REAVER**


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